Dr. Helen versus the Womynists

Another day, another ridiculous post from Dr. Helen about "men's rights." Her unwavering Injustice Detector spots an immediate double standard: Just touching a woman or even making a comment is often seen as sexual harassment that can get you placed in sensitivity training, on probation or fired, while massaging men at work doesn't raise an eyebrow--not even from the men who aren't looking for a free back rub. That's right - you can get fired simply for making a comment to a woman! I remember, at my old workplace, I once said to a female co-worker "I hear great things about your products liability memo!" Needless to say, I was immediately terminated, and my employer received a sizable judgment against me to recoup its losses in her subsequent multi-million-dollar lawsuit. That's why, at my new job, I maintain constant contact with my Male Liability Protection Network of male co-workers and paid female informants to make sure that I never run the unjustifiable risk that comes with bumping into a woman in the hallway, elevator, cafeteria, parking garage, or in any meeting (I have to call in sick a lot!). It's a hassle, but that's just how things are in the Age of Men's Oppression. Meanwhile, of course, it is unheard of for a man to decline any physical touching. If the Network fails and a woman does find me, I know that I must abjectly accept the inevitable "pant integrity slap-tests" and attacks from "Ms. Tickletron O'Nimblefingers." Until my masculinist brothers and I rise up, it will always be more of the same.